Exploring Tuppence Middleton’s Journey with OCD in Her Memoir ‘Scorpions’
Tuppence Middleton is not one to seek the spotlight. The talented actor, renowned for her roles in Downton Abbey, Sense8, and The Imitation Game, admits that immersing herself in a character brings her joy, yet being in the limelight as herself feels daunting. This week, however, she steps into the light to discuss her memoir, Scorpions, which offers an unflinching account of her experiences with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This mental health condition is characterized by intrusive thoughts that lead to significant distress, often accompanied by compulsive behaviors aimed at alleviating that distress.
Middleton’s journey with OCD began at the tender age of 10, following a traumatic bout of a vomiting bug that led to a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome. This illness drained her physically, leaving her in a state of constant fatigue and nausea for much of the year. Once she began to recover, she found herself consumed by fears regarding the safety of her loved ones and her own health, leading to obsessive thoughts about contamination. She visualizes these intrusive thoughts as a swarm of scorpions that claim to offer her protection, yet only serve to heighten her anxiety. The act of counting—specifically, counting to eight—became her lifeline. She writes, “If I didn’t count, my protective little critters would thrash and stir, turning thoughts over and over until they spun on one continuous loop. My blood would bubble and a feeling like a wave rising in a tsunami would build inside my chest, only to be stopped by the incessant counting.” The stakes felt alarmingly high: if she failed to perform her rituals, she feared dire consequences for her family or herself.
Despite living with OCD throughout her life, Middleton has navigated various treatment modalities, including medication and therapy. Ultimately, she found solace in talking therapy, supplemented by medication for physical symptoms when necessary. For the most part, her OCD remained a private struggle, manifesting primarily in her personal life. However, during particularly challenging periods, its impact seeped into her professional life, leading to instances where she had to apologize to directors for tardiness, attributing it to traffic when, in reality, it was her compulsive rituals that delayed her. There was even an incident in the theater where her obsessive questioning alienated her personal dresser after she grilled her about an incident of vomiting the previous night.
The turning point came in 2021 when Middleton produced a series for BBC Radio 4 centered around OCD, which ultimately inspired her memoir. The overwhelming response to the series sparked her desire to write, as she recognized that many individuals remain too fearful to discuss their struggles with OCD, preventing them from receiving the help they desperately need. “After I’d spoken about OCD on the radio, I was always asked about it alongside interviews on my work,” she shares, “and that always ended up being the headline.” While she was comfortable discussing her condition, she felt that the broader conversation surrounding it was often superficial. Scorpions serves as her attempt to deepen that dialogue.
“Putting everything into a book enables me to say ‘everything that I want to say about it is in here,’” she explains. “Then I can promote a film or whatever else I’m doing without always having to touch upon that. I want to give both things their due weight.” Her passion for writing also played a significant role in her decision to pen the memoir. “This felt like the obvious first step into that world because I was very drawn to creative, non-fiction memoir,” she adds. She cites Maggie O’Farrell’s I Am I Am I Am as an inspiration for its innovative structure and narrative style, which still captures the essence of a life story.
In Scorpions, Middleton vividly articulates the experience of being overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts, creating a sense of urgency and immediacy in her writing. Despite the fluctuating nature of her thoughts and rituals, she conveys the suffocating sensation of being trapped in a cycle of panic. There is a notable level of self-awareness in her narrative; she describes the struggle of knowing that her actions, such as re-checking whether the tap is off, are irrational, yet feeling compelled to follow through regardless. “I think there is this misconception that because the condition centers around thoughts that are often illogical, as a person, you are not logical,” she explains. “But I think most people who have OCD are probably, all in all, pretty logical, sensible, and self-aware people. They just have this completely different side to their brain which allows them to see what’s happening but has no control over what is happening.”
Middleton’s experience with OCD—primarily revolving around fears of contamination and emetophobia (the fear of vomiting)—is just one manifestation of the condition. Intrusive thoughts can encompass a wide range of topics, including health, cleanliness, and even taboo subjects like sexuality or violence. In her writing, she aims to illustrate that her experience is merely one of many. “I can’t speak for all people who have the condition, but for me, it was important to give an example of what it feels like and hopefully dispel some misconceptions about it being solely about order and cleanliness,” she states.
Writing the memoir has been a cathartic and emotional process for Middleton, allowing her to gain new insights into how OCD shaped her earlier years. “I felt proud of myself as a younger girl and young woman for having gotten through all those things, which, at the time, I just accepted as my reality,” she reflects. In many ways, she was writing for that younger version of herself. “This was the book I always wanted to read when I was younger,” she reveals. “I hope it demonstrates that OCD can affect you with varying levels of severity throughout your life, but ultimately, you can lead a life that feels as close to normal as possible.”
Since embarking on her writing journey, Middleton welcomed her daughter with Swedish film director Måns Mårlind into the world. She notes that motherhood, much like writing, has significantly altered her perspective on her OCD. “It’s given me clarity on both sides of the coin. On one hand, the experiences of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood brought about significant stress and anxiety regarding illness and infection. On the other hand, my daughter has taught me to live fully in the moment, allowing me to occasionally forget some of the rituals that I would typically adhere to,” she shares.
However, Middleton expresses concern about how her OCD and her candid discussions about it may affect her personal life. “There’s a lot of guilt and shame surrounding how selfish it can make you feel when you’re caring for your child, and this illogical, meaningless thought or compulsion still manages to affect you,” she admits. While the act of writing was therapeutic, she finds the public nature of it somewhat daunting. “That’s of course the intention, but I also find it quite nerve-wracking: it’s exposing and intimate, and people will know things about you that they might not know about others. You’re really letting people into your head and your heart,” she acknowledges. She worries that this exposure could lead to her being defined by her OCD, becoming “that person with OCD.”
“The idea of being a poster person for something is really unnerving. You’re discussing something you care passionately about and want to help others understand, but there’s that conflicted part of yourself that feels like doing press trivializes it,” she reflects. This memoir represents a significant step for Middleton, one that is both terrifying and liberating. “My desire for people to feel seen or understood is stronger than my cringe factor at being a spokesperson,” she concludes.
‘Scorpions’ (Rider, £18.99) is available now
