Maria, 68, has come to terms with the reality that she may never become a grandmother. Although she leads an active and fulfilling life, she often finds herself grappling with complex emotions when she witnesses her friends joyfully engaging with their grandchildren—whether it’s taking toddlers to the park, relishing family gatherings, or cradling infants in their arms. “I feel a deep sadness about not being a grandmother, yet I understand that my children are navigating their own paths and making choices that suit their lives,” shares Maria, who is retired and resides in London with her husband. “However, I can’t help but feel emotional when I hear my friends share stories about their grandchildren, especially since our children grew up together.”
Maria notes, “It stings when people inquire about when my daughters will start their families. I remind them that it’s their decision, not mine.” Neither of her two adult daughters has expressed a desire to have children. “One of my daughters has recently transitioned and is currently separated from her partner, while my other daughter, who is 39, is deeply focused on her career and has indicated she doesn’t want children.” In addition to her sorrow over the absence of grandchildren and the realization that her family won’t expand as she had anticipated, Maria harbors concerns about her daughter’s potential loneliness in later life.
The broader societal landscape, marked by climate change, global instability, and a rising cost of living, has contributed to declining birth rates in the UK and many other countries. Consequently, an increasing number of individuals are grappling with the often unspoken grief of being unable to become grandparents. Research indicates that many parents view grandparenthood as a significant life goal that can provide a profound sense of fulfillment. However, when these expectations go unfulfilled, it can lead to genuine feelings of loss. This issue has sparked a divide, with younger individuals who choose a childfree lifestyle expressing frustration at the blame and judgment directed at them by older generations who feel deprived of the joys of grandparenthood.
Susie, 69, from Manchester, has been a pillar of support for her son and his partner as they navigate the challenges of trying to conceive for five years, all while attempting to set aside her own feelings of yearning. As her only child, her son is now in his early forties. “I empathize with their struggle,” she admits. “Yet, I also feel deprived of the opportunity to experience grandparenthood. I’ve always looked forward to holding a grandchild in my arms. I envisioned it as a chance to relish the joy of little ones without the full responsibility of raising them.”
Societal expectations seem to weigh heavier on women than men, a sentiment that resonates with Maria. “Society generally assumes that women of a certain age are grandparents. Why is it that no one asks older men about their grandparent status? I feel that men are less affected by these expectations. My husband, for instance, doesn’t appear concerned about it at all,” she reflects.
Psychotherapist Anne Waddington notes that the desire for grandchildren can be particularly intense, especially for women. “Nurturing is often at the core of this longing,” she explains. “Even those who have raised their own children may still have a reservoir of nurturing to offer. For others, there could be unresolved dynamics with their own children, or they may feel that, having learned from their experiences, they would prefer to approach grandparenting differently.”
Finding Joy Beyond Grandparenthood
Waddington encourages those yearning for grandchildren to approach both their children and themselves with compassion. “Practice kindness towards yourself. At the same time, recognize what holds value in your life right now and find ways to enjoy it. This might involve taking different paths during walks, discovering new hobbies, or volunteering.”
While many individuals without grandchildren feel a sense of loss, redirecting focus can lead to a more positive outlook. Maria has found fulfillment in assisting a refugee family from Afghanistan. “We’ve developed a meaningful bond, which has been incredibly rewarding,” she shares. “I don’t identify as someone whose life lacks purpose simply because I’m not a grandmother. I believe older women can find meaning in various roles—be it as partners, friends, volunteers, or community members.”
- “Life has its challenges, but it’s essential to engage with children in some capacity, perhaps through volunteer work or friendships.”
- Organizations such as Adopt a Grandparent connect volunteers with elderly individuals, often in care settings, to alleviate feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Some individuals without grandchildren are content with their family dynamics. One woman I know, who found the demands of motherhood overwhelming, has never desired grandchildren, stating, “It might seem selfish, but I am enjoying my freedom to travel and do as I please. I have friends who’ve just retired but find themselves unable to travel when prices are lower because their children expect them to step in for childcare. One of my friends doesn’t even receive a simple ‘thank you’—just a to-do list instead. If my daughter were to have a child, I’d only be available for occasional babysitting.”
Others have embraced their situation. “I accept that I am not a grandmother and likely won’t be,” says Josephine, a 76-year-old retired teacher from Dorset. “I harbor no regrets. My children and their partners made their choices for profound reasons, and their happiness brings me immense joy.”
Jenny, 72, a retired nurse from Birmingham, has also come to terms with the likelihood of remaining childless. “Initially, I felt upset when my daughter announced she wouldn’t be having children due to the world’s turmoil. However, after reading an article last year about the privileges we have that previous generations did not, I gained perspective. For instance, we can easily travel with a senior railcard or accept social invitations without feeling obligated to care for our grandchildren.”
For those who are grandparents, it’s essential to recognize that this topic can be sensitive for friends who are not. Ann Richardson, author of Celebrating Grandmothers, notes, “It can be painful for those without grandchildren when friends share too much, even unintentionally. Flaunting photos can be especially hard to witness. However, some find solace in becoming honorary grandparents to the children of friends or family.”
Although I have two grandchildren and cherish an active role in their lives, I make an effort not to dominate conversations with tales of them in groups where others may not share that experience. When discussions become too focused on grandchildren, I steer the conversation in a different direction. I understand that people experience grandparenting in diverse ways—finding joy in nieces, friends’ children, or other young people who enrich their lives.
When I remarried my second husband—who had no children of his own—a wise aunt remarked at our wedding that he would make a wonderful grandfather. She was entirely right.
Note: Due to the sensitivity surrounding this subject and its impact on adult children, all names in this article have been changed.
