The Challenge of Parenting: Embracing Discomfort for Growth
As parents, our greatest desire is often to see our children happy. It seems like a straightforward goal, doesn’t it? A happy child typically leads to a happy life, or so society tells us. However, I must confess—I do not subscribe to the idea that we should always be “fixing” our children’s emotional struggles.
You know the drill: when a child feels sad, frustrated, or disappointed, parents rush in with distractions or “feel better” gifts. These treats are intended to wipe away tears and avoid the discomfort of saying “no.” But what are we teaching our children with this approach? Are we really helping them by erasing every uncomfortable feeling? Life is not a perfectly curated experience where everything always goes our way.
If I cave in every time my children face disappointment, I risk sending them the message that such feelings are unbearable and that “no” doesn’t actually mean “no.” My role as a parent isn’t to shield them from every negative experience; rather, it’s to guide them through these challenges.
Setting boundaries is essential. Saying “no” isn’t just about withholding sugary treats; it’s about teaching my children the importance of self-regulation, patience, and understanding limits. And yes, that includes my own self-control!
In today’s parenting landscape, we are inundated with messages advocating gentle parenting and discouraging the use of the word “no.” But why should we place such immense pressure on ourselves? In my experience, gentle parenting principles often fail to yield the desired results.
While I resonate with some aspects of gentle parenting—like avoiding yelling and shaming my children, and modeling patience during their meltdowns—there are times when children must learn that certain boundaries are non-negotiable.
Balancing Kindness with Firmness
You can employ various techniques to embody a “gentle parent” persona, yet still end up with a child who throws tantrums in the toy aisle. Many parents inadvertently become permissive, lacking the firm boundaries necessary for healthy development. Although gentle parenting is meant to include boundaries, these lines are often drawn too loosely, resulting in unintended consequences.
Life is inherently filled with disappointments. We don’t always land the job, pass our driving test on the first attempt, or emerge victorious in a game. Sometimes, an online shopping order substitutes your olive oil for baby oil—true story! If we don’t allow our children to experience and sit with difficult feelings now, how will they cope with the complexities of adulthood?
Of course, we can express empathy and validate their feelings, which helps soften the blow. However, we can acknowledge their emotions without changing our decisions. In nursery and throughout their schooling years, children will encounter rules and expectations. A clear “no” doesn’t have to be cruel or dismissive; it should be delivered with warmth and consistency, without excessive explanation or debate.
Sometimes, the kindest thing we can do for our children is to allow them to feel unhappy. It is through these experiences that they can grow into resilient, emotionally intelligent, and well-adjusted adults.
Kirsty Ketley is a parenting consultant and freelance writer.
