The Debate on Gentle Parenting in Education
Katharine Birbalsingh, the headteacher of Michaela Community School in north London and known as the UK’s strictest headteacher, has voiced her concerns about the rise of “middle-class gentle parenting.” She argues that this parenting style fosters a culture of excessive choice for children, undermining traditional authority and guidance. Birbalsingh emphasizes that many parents today struggle to enforce boundaries, failing to teach their children fundamental skills like reading and counting. “The advice you’ll find nowadays often leans towards gentle parenting—encouraging parents to be more like friends to their children rather than maintaining accountability,” she remarked.
Birbalsingh has gained recognition not only for her school’s outstanding academic performance but also for her candid critiques of ‘woke’ culture and her advocacy for a more disciplined educational approach reminiscent of past practices. But do educators with less rigid philosophies share her concerns about the implications of gentle parenting? Maria Blake*, a senior secondary school teacher with 13 years of experience, has observed a steady decline in student behavior, which she attributes, in part, to gentle parenting techniques. “We’ve always had students reluctant to attend lessons, but they used to show up regardless,” Blake explains. “Now, we face instances where some students roam the corridors, refusing to enter classrooms altogether. They seem to lack respect for authority and believe they shouldn’t have to attend lessons if it causes them stress.”
Blake notes a significant change during Parents’ Evenings as well. “In the past, if we pointed out a child’s lack of effort, the parent would typically address their child directly. Recently, however, many parents have begun to question us instead, asking what we can do to motivate their child,” she says. “When we mention that a child isn’t reading at home, we often receive a shrug instead of a request for strategies to improve.” Additionally, she has witnessed a rise in parents rejecting disciplinary measures against their children, often justifying their behavior with phrases like “they just had a bad day.” “Sadly, some parents now question whether their children need to be in class at all,” Blake continues. “I’ve been told to ‘respect how they feel’ and ‘understand their boundaries,’ which complicates our role as educators. School should be about teaching children to make independent choices while also understanding there are consequences for those choices.”
Birbalsingh asserts that the negative effects of gentle parenting disproportionately impact working-class children. “If you can afford a nanny or have two parents at home, gentle parenting might work for you,” she argues. “But for families facing financial and social pressures, this approach can be detrimental.” Blake concurs, highlighting that the majority of the corridor roamers tend to come from working-class backgrounds, yet the repercussions of this parenting style extend to all children, as middle-class students may perceive rules as negotiable. “Some students seem unfamiliar with the word ‘no’ and react as if I’m speaking a foreign language,” she explains. “In the past, children would grumble about being caught without their uniforms but would ultimately accept our authority. Nowadays, they seem incredulous when questioned about their behavior.” She adds, “Others behave as though I must entertain their opinions, but we cannot debate policies like lunchtime or uniform regulations. It often feels as if we’re split between being teachers and social workers, constantly negotiating.”
Child therapist Kate Silverton, author of There’s No Such Thing As Naughty, asserts that while many mental health professionals support the principles of gentle parenting—viewing it as a method of treating children as individuals and providing guidance rather than relying solely on punishment—she emphasizes the necessity of boundaries and structure. “Without these, the world can feel chaotic and unsafe,” she explains. Silverton clarifies that gentle parenting does not equate to never saying ‘no’ or always responding in a bland, overly calm manner. “I consider my own parenting to be firm yet fun and fair. It’s not about lacking boundaries; it’s about how we establish them that truly matters.”
Primary school educators are also noting a decline in family support for literacy development, despite the significant benefits of parents engaging in just 15 to 30 minutes of reading with their children each day. “Parents seem to rely on schools for a greater share of responsibility,” states Maddie Johns*, a primary school teacher with over two decades of experience in state education. “We urge parents to support us with reading at home, yet I also understand how challenging it can be for two-working-parent families to carve out that time. Parenting has shifted towards a more gentle approach, favoring child-led activities and increased choices for children. While we aim to empower children to express themselves, I observe younger students questioning authority more frequently.” Johns believes that gentle teaching methods have permeated many classrooms, though perhaps not in Birbalsingh’s setting. “Both educators and parents seem hesitant to say, ‘no, that’s incorrect.’ We utilize a behavior compass identifying various types of learning behavior, including perseverance, creativity, and independence. We’re continuously reminding children of their positive traits while overlooking negative behaviors due to concerns about shaming them. Instead of saying, ‘Can you sit down and work on this task?’ we might say, ‘Try to engage more with this independent task.’ While we don’t want children to fear their teachers, respect sometimes feels lacking.”
Johns acknowledges the merits of gentle parenting as well. “Children are learning that their voices matter and that others care about them, particularly in cases of bullying or unkind behavior. Schools implement behavior policies to ensure all children are protected, and parents recognize the importance of listening to and respecting their children,” she explains. However, she cautions that blaming gentle parenting alone for the deterioration of behavior oversimplifies the complex pressures parents face and overlooks the negative impact of social media. “Platforms like TikTok have contributed to rising incidents of racialized language and gender bias among students, as they emulate what they see online,” she notes. “Extended screen time has also adversely affected classroom conduct. During lockdown, many children were glued to screens for hours—what choice did working parents have? Now, we see that many kids struggle to meet behavior expectations outside of the digital realm, and this is manifesting in our schools.” Both Johns and Blake agree that the vast majority of parents genuinely care about their children’s well-being. Nonetheless, they are acutely aware of the shifting dynamics of family life. “The cost of living crisis is impacting families, and the guilt of not being able to dedicate time to activities like reading can be overwhelming,” Johns reflects. Blake concurs, noting how the pressure on both parents to work full-time is contributing to these changes. “More middle-class families now have two working parents. The days of stay-at-home parents enjoying long, relaxed dinner conversations with their children are behind us. I believe this absence of calm dialogue at home is why kids often shout rather than using ‘indoor voices.’ Additionally, many middle-class parents feel so guilty about their lack of presence that they are reluctant to add to their children’s distress by enforcing boundaries or creating conflicts when they should be setting limits.”
However, Blake remains hopeful, recognizing that there are positive aspects to this new parenting approach. Children are increasingly able to articulate their feelings of unhappiness or worry and explain the reasons behind them. “Just last week, a teenager confided in me, saying, ‘I don’t want to attend maths because it makes me feel like a failure.’ Ten years ago, they would not have been able to express such feelings,” she shares. “Unfortunately, many children stop at expressing their emotions, lacking a sense of responsibility or a desire to find solutions. Still, I remain optimistic that this generation will cultivate independent thinking—we will only know for sure in another decade.” *Names changed to protect teachers’ anonymity
