Outnumbered: The Complexities of Parental Favoritism
In her weekly column, Outnumbered, Genevieve Roberts delves into the intricacies of parenting as she navigates the challenges of raising her three children—two daughters and a son. This week, she explores the sensitive topic of parental favoritism and its lasting effects on sibling relationships.
A close friend of mine, who was once the cherished darling of her family, recently shared insights into her tumultuous relationship with her older brother. This dynamic, steeped in what she describes as an “eternal rift,” has roots that run deep. “There were significant events, like my brother being sent off to boarding school while I remained at home,” she recounts. “However, it was the daily nuances—the subtle gestures and expressions of affection—that left the deepest scars. My parents would choose to sit next to me on the sofa, express their love more freely, and speak disparagingly about my brother, labeling him ‘the difficult one’ while I was praised as ‘the easy one.’ As a child, I internalized this narrative and believed there must be something inherently wrong with him.”
Now, in their forties, with the weight of parental expectations lifted—she characterizes her mother as narcissistic—they are beginning to mend their fractured relationship. “My brother always exhibited a hint of aggression, which I can now understand. But we’ve moved past that turmoil,” she reflects.
For a long time, I assumed that having a ‘favorite’ child was a rare phenomenon. My brother and I ceased our complaints of “it’s not fair” when our parents divorced, shifting our focus to supporting one another. The thought that my own children might feel I love them unequally is genuinely heartbreaking. I take some comfort in the fact that they all voice complaints of “it’s not fair,” suggesting at least a level playing field.
While I once thought the extreme favoritism my friend faced was uncommon, recent research reveals that parents often do exhibit slight preferences. According to a comprehensive analysis involving over 19,000 participants published in the journal Psychological Bulletin, older siblings, daughters, and those labeled as “agreeable” or “conscientious” tend to be favored. The researchers caution that “Parents and clinicians should be aware of which children tend to be favored as a means of recognizing potentially damaging family dynamics.”
Is this really the case? Psychotherapist Anna Mathur, author of Raising a Happier Mother, challenges the notion of a fixed ‘favorite’ child. “What is more prevalent is that different children evoke different aspects of our personalities. One child may resonate more with us during a particular phase, while another might pose unique challenges,” she explains. “This doesn’t imply that love is distributed unequally; rather, it highlights the necessity of self-awareness. Making one child feel like a favorite can impose pressure and create unease. If any child perceives themselves as ‘less than’ in terms of love and acceptance, it can severely affect their self-esteem, sense of identity, and connection with their parent.”
Dr. Martha Deiros Collado, a psychologist and author of How to Be the Grown-Up, emphasizes that while parents may believe they treat their children equally, “Every adult child has a different experience of their parents and the relationships they’ve built with them.” An awareness of these differences can significantly influence how we communicate, act, and even think about our children.
She recommends reflecting on several questions:
- Who receives more protection and attention?
- Who faces more reprimands?
- How does your tone of voice and body language vary with each child?
- How do these dynamics shape how your children perceive themselves and each other?
Addressing sibling conflicts is vital for preventing perceptions of favoritism. Deiros Collado explains, “Sibling arguments teach children essential relationship-building skills—if we allow them to navigate these conflicts safely with our support.” When children bicker or disagree, they learn problem-solving, perspective-taking, and negotiation skills. However, physical or verbal aggression necessitates parental intervention, which may involve separating the children and providing a safe space for them to emotionally regulate and process the situation.
Dr. Isla Clark, a psychotherapist with the East Sussex Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, stresses the importance of allowing siblings to resolve conflicts independently for as long as possible, unless someone is at risk of physical harm. “If they struggle to find a resolution, you might say, ‘I know you two can work this out,’ and give them more time. It’s crucial not to stifle conflict; otherwise, children may perceive it as biased,” she advises.
In instances where a child expresses strong negative feelings toward a sibling, Deiros Collado suggests responding with acceptance and understanding. “Instead of saying ‘don’t say that,’ acknowledge their feelings by saying, ‘It can be tough being the eldest or the youngest. I understand why you might feel frustrated with your sibling. Would you like to share what happened?'”
As with all aspects of parenting, our children learn more from our actions than our words, especially regarding conflict resolution and reconciliation. “Kids observe how we handle our relationships—how quickly we apologize, take responsibility, and strive for fairness,” Mathur notes. “This modeling is a powerful tool for equipping them to communicate effectively and take responsibility for their actions.”
While my own experience with my parents’ divorce is a dramatic catalyst for fostering sibling solidarity, there are numerous everyday opportunities to strengthen these bonds. “Engage in family activities that encourage different strengths and nurture shared experiences,” Mathur recommends, emphasizing the importance of also spending one-on-one time with each child. “Creating space for connection and bonding helps cultivate your unique relationship with each child.”
Kate Pattison, a former primary school teacher and founder of Learnhappy, advises that fostering “unstructured play” can help promote natural connections between siblings, allowing each child’s individuality to shine. Additionally, by understanding each child’s primary love language, parents can provide tailored attention that resonates with their child’s unique needs while simultaneously reinforcing the family bond.
Comparing siblings is rarely beneficial. “Avoid direct comparisons, even if well-intentioned. Remarks like ‘Your brother is studying hard for his exams—maybe you could learn from him’ can foster rivalry and shame, suggesting ‘you should be more like him,'” Mathur cautions. “Instead, acknowledge that each child has their distinct strengths—one might excel in academics, while another may require more nurturing and encouragement.”
My friend is acutely aware of the importance of treating her sons equally. Her parents were smitten with their grandsons, but when her youngest son displayed typical toddler mischief and her mother dubbed him their “favorite,” my friend felt a surge of anger. “I warned her, ‘If you treat my children the way you treated my brother and me, you’ll never see them again,'” she declared.
Clark reminds us that while we strive for fairness, complete equity in parenting is unattainable. “Each child is unique; some may have more friends while others may have additional needs,” she explains. “It’s essential to check in with your children, ensuring they feel recognized, loved, and nurtured. Different children receive love and support in various ways. One may excel in social situations, while another may shine in sports. We may need to balance recognition among our children accordingly. Care is not going to be uniform; it will be individual.”
