You Didn’t Hear This From Me
If you leaned in, eager to glean juicy secrets, I’m afraid I won’t be sharing any scandalous tidbits. Instead, that’s the title of a new book that celebrates the intriguing art of gossip—something I suspect you might find quite captivating. However, I won’t be picking it up myself, as I could have penned a similar work. But alas, I was too engrossed in my own gossiping escapades to do so.
The cultural tide appears to be shifting regarding what author Kelsey McKinney respectfully terms “everyday storytelling.” Recently, the individual boasting the world’s highest recorded IQ—Younghoon Kim, 35, from Korea, who scored an astonishing 276—asserted that gossip alleviates his anxiety and enhances his creativity. Finally, this age-old art form is receiving recognition and admiration rather than disdain.
I gossip, therefore I am. I revel in it, and I cherish others who share this passion, especially those you wouldn’t expect. There’s something enchanting about the moment a seemingly mundane person’s eyes light up upon hearing a morsel of gossip, only to respond with a story of their own.
Sharing an incredible story fosters immediate camaraderie in a way that few other interactions can. It’s arguably one of the greatest gifts to offer, almost an act of charity, because the best gossip is meant to be shared. Just remember to know when to draw the line—specifically, before reaching the person at the center of the tale.
In his insightful work Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, historian and philosopher Yuval Noah Harari posits that Homo sapiens thrive as social beings, and gossip plays a crucial role in our survival. So, in a sense, I’m saving lives—one thrilling whisper at a time.
Over the past few years, I’ve stumbled upon a treasure trove of gossip; anyone debating the idea of having children—just go for it. The early years, with their sleepless nights and the inevitable messiness, can be challenging, but trust me, it pays off. I’ve heard some truly jaw-dropping scandals at the school gates.
One particular tale has been my go-to conversation starter at every breakfast, brunch, lunch, and dinner gathering. It has ensured that I was the belle of each festive occasion—unless, of course, another parent from my class beat me to it and shared the story first.
Read Next
Recently, I found myself in a gossip drought, which was quite distressing. Then, the DMs from strangers began to roll in.
The other parents—whether I know them well or only by reputation—have introduced me to a completely new cast of characters, but let’s not forget the children. Wow.
The romance gossip among the kids, all around ten years old, is rather trivial. It generally involves them sending friends to inquire if their crush likes them back, only for them to never acknowledge each other again. However, two girls stand out with their friendship, which is tangled, complex, and rife with intrigue, politics, and mind games. I’m utterly captivated. It’s like Succession—with pigtails.
Yes, I should probably be more discerning, but on a dreary, rain-soaked Tuesday in February, this is what keeps me afloat.
I firmly believe that the children are our future, so I’m passing down my gossiping wisdom to my son, thereby securing my legacy. He’s already learned the importance of discretion—never, or at least hardly ever, revealing his sources. Additionally, I’ve taught him to glance over his shoulder before he begins to share a story, rather than waiting until he’s in the thick of it. This is fundamental Gossip 101, and you’d be surprised at how many people stumble at this first hurdle.
Like all great mothers, I’ve instilled good manners in him: if a story is thrilling enough, speculating on its veracity is both ungrateful and rude.
Furthermore, I’ve delineated the distinction between gossip and secrets, the latter being something you hold onto for a friend who has entrusted you with it—even if it’s agonizing. There are certain boundaries that should never be crossed. Well, just one.
Recently, I recognized my own unique talent. I casually mentioned to a friend that I spotted two individuals seemingly smoking together in the street, and something about their demeanor led me to speculate. A week later, their affair was confirmed. I now find myself gossiping on what feels like a nearly psychic level. While it’s too soon to tell if my son has inherited this gift, the early signs are promising. What more could one wish for their child than a life filled with joy-giving gossip? My greatest hope is that he leaves a trail of wide-eyed, delighted listeners in his wake, already crafting WhatsApp messages to share the latest scoop with their friends.
