My 61-year-old dad has been in a persistent slump ever since he retired a couple of years ago; he spends most of his days glued to the TV. After being made redundant from his previous job, where he held a senior position, he struggled to find new employment and ultimately decided to embrace early retirement, thanks to his financial stability. However, this transition seems to have plunged him into a state of depression—he’s stopped exercising and neglects his well-being. Both my sister and I are genuinely concerned about his mental health. His identity was deeply intertwined with his work, and now that it’s gone, he seems lost.
My mum, on the other hand, continues to work daily, and it’s clear that she feels frustrated when she leaves for work in the morning only to return home to find him still sitting in front of the television. While she maintains an active social life and has a wide circle of friends, my dad recently confided in me that he “doesn’t need friends because [his] best friends are mum and the dogs.” I can’t help but feel that this mindset is unhealthy and unfair to my mum. It’s affecting her too, as she feels she rarely has time for herself. I’m wondering if there’s a way I can help facilitate a conversation with him, as a son reaching out to his father.
I felt a sense of sadness for your dad while reading your letter. It appears that he derived significant validation from his work throughout his career. When that was suddenly stripped away due to redundancy, it likely felt like a personal rejection. The situation worsened when he couldn’t find alternative employment, leading him to retire earlier than planned—not as a choice, but as a result of limited options. Now, we see a man who is sitting in his armchair day after day, feeling lost and directionless. His professional identity has been taken from him, and I wonder if he grapples with feelings of worthlessness, especially considering how abruptly his career ended.
It’s wonderful that you’re considering how to support him. I believe you can make a difference. Even if he’s experiencing mild depression, it’s not surprising that he feels withdrawn and insists that he doesn’t need friendships. Having once felt valued, he may now see himself as “less than,” making it difficult to share his struggles—particularly if he’s unaccustomed to opening up to friends or colleagues about personal issues. Have you had a chance to ask him how he’s truly feeling? Does he miss work, and if so, what aspects does he long for? Are there activities or hobbies he might want to pursue that could bring him fulfillment?
In various cultures, the role of elders is highly esteemed, and your father would typically be consulted by both family and community for guidance. In Blue Zone regions—known for their longevity—men often gather in the warm climate to engage in conversation, play games, and enjoy time with their grandchildren. I wonder what you and your family might need from your dad and how much time you’re spending together as an extended family unit.
I sympathize with your mum’s perspective, but I believe that viewing your dad as a nuisance at home—especially after experiencing rejection in his professional life—could profoundly impact his self-esteem, which has already taken a hit. While he may not recognize a lack of friendships, addressing his sense of worth might naturally lead to social connections. I suggest appealing to his sense of purpose by emphasizing the contributions he can make to others. Rather than focusing on his needs, it could be beneficial to highlight how he can help those around him.
- Would he be interested in leading a volunteer group?
- Is there a local issue he could address using his management skills?
- Could he consider mentoring young people or advising startups in his field?
- How about organizing a dog-walking group to support those feeling isolated?
- Would he like to play an advisory role in a local kennel or dog charity?
One of the significant benefits of employment is the structure it provides to daily life and the sense of community it fosters. Your dad retains the same skills he possessed while employed, and he still has valuable contributions to make to both family and community. One way you might assist him is by researching needs in his local community where he could offer his help. This endeavor could grant him a renewed sense of purpose beyond his relationship with your mum.
Additionally, I recommend spending quality time with your dad outside the house, engaging in activities he enjoys. Perhaps a dog walk could be an opportunity for him to connect with other dog owners, demonstrating how social these communities can be. Sharing your own vulnerabilities and challenges could also encourage him to open up. If you have a partner, express to your dad how significant your friendships are to you, ensuring your partner doesn’t feel solely responsible for your happiness.
It’s worth noting that the boomer generation—of which your father is a part—often finds it challenging to engage in open conversations about their feelings compared to younger generations. Each of us has lessons to learn from the other, particularly in embracing vulnerability.
Lastly, I recognize that your dad may not have received a proper send-off from his workplace, which can leave him feeling uncelebrated. To commemorate his career, consider organizing a family meal to honor his achievements. You could invite former colleagues and friends if he’s comfortable. This gathering can provide a platform to acknowledge the significance of his career, allowing him to transition into the next phase of his life with a sense of closure. Additionally, planning a family weekend getaway or vacation might help create new memories together.
While it takes time to adjust to retirement, officially marking the conclusion of his professional journey and showcasing the value he still holds can help him embrace the freedom of his newfound time. As he discovers passions and projects to engage with, the burden your mum feels will likely lessen naturally.
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Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz
