Three months after a particularly tumultuous breakup with a guy I should have let go long before our summer situationship turned sour, I decided it was time to dip my toes back into the dating pool. After spending time in therapy, I felt resilient and optimistic about my future. However, I couldn’t shake the painful realization that I had ignored a myriad of red flags with my most recent ex. Reflecting on my dating history, it was clear that something had to change.
At 40 years old, I have been navigating dating apps for a decade, and I’ve found myself single for the majority of that time. I often struggle to progress beyond the situationship phase with men, usually feeling compelled to end things as soon as those red flags start waving or when I realize that while someone may be “good on paper,” the chemistry simply isn’t there.
As I prepared to reactivate my Hinge profile, I stumbled upon a book titled How Not to Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. This book sparked an idea in me. Behavioral scientist and dating coach, Logan Ury, advocates for a methodical approach to finding love, emphasizing the importance of defining one’s goals and assessing potential matches beyond mere attraction or that elusive “spark.”
Since I typically make spreadsheets for every other project in my life, I concluded that this organization method would be ideal for tracking my dating journey. I established some ground rules to help filter out the unsuitable candidates. For instance, if a guy didn’t ask questions on the app, I wouldn’t respond; I restricted myself to coffee dates only (as alcohol can often distort the perception of a date); and I kept conversations on the app until we met in person, meaning no Instagram follows or WhatsApp exchanges unless I desired a second date.
Every time I scheduled a date, I entered the guy’s name into my spreadsheet along with his vital statistics: age, profession, and what he claimed to be seeking in terms of dating and relationships. After each date, I added notes regarding any green or red flags. For instance, I assessed the quality of our chat before meeting. Did he respond promptly to messages? To evaluate the first date and ensure I focused on personality rather than looks, I posed a single question to myself: would I want to be friends with this person?
Tracking My Dating Progress
This technique might seem a bit clinical, especially since finding a partner is often about romance and that sudden spark of chemistry. However, experts suggest that a systematic approach can enhance objectivity and help identify unhealthy patterns. “It can help you organize your thoughts about the people you’ve seen and how you feel about them, much like making any other decision,” explains psychiatrist Dr. Janette Leal. “Some people prefer pen and paper, while others like a spreadsheet or whiteboard. Anything that helps visualize your thoughts can make it easier to identify patterns.”
Dr. Leal recommends determining what red and green flags are significant for you and noting how you felt during and after each date. Did you feel relaxed? Comfortable? Nervous? After the date, were you looking forward to seeing the person again?
From November to January, I diligently tracked my dates, and it turned out to be an eventful and enlightening two months. One of my biggest takeaways was that I became much better at setting boundaries. The first time I was asked out was by a charming French musician named Matthieu. He seemed intelligent and witty, but when he revealed that he lived in Paris and was only visiting my city, I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in anything casual or long-distance. “Let me know if you ever come to Paris,” he suggested, and since I already planned a visit for January, I proposed a friendly meet-up, but firmly stated that I wouldn’t add him on Instagram.
By mid-November, I had six dates lined up for one week, but due to flaking, it turned into three. Of those, I wasn’t interested in two, but the third candidate, Mark*, appeared promising. He was cute, funny, and easy to converse with. After a lovely second date at a brew pub just before my Christmas break, we agreed to stay in touch over the holidays to continue getting to know each other. However, within a few days, it became evident that Mark struggled to ask questions via text, and his flimsy excuses for delayed replies raised my suspicions.
Inspired by another dating bible of mine, Attached, which emphasizes the importance of “effective communication” from day one, I calmly expressed to Mark over the phone that I needed more engagement from him. He apologized, promising to make more effort, but after another week of receiving superficial updates without any inquiries about my well-being, I decided to end things.
In the meantime, I had begun an interesting exchange with Anthony, who excelled at asking questions. After a delightful date where we explored an exhibition and enjoyed tea at the museum café, we set up dinner for four days later. Alarm bells started ringing the evening before our planned date when I hadn’t heard from him. “Do you still want to do something tomorrow?” I sent. “Yes!” he quickly replied, suggesting several restaurant options.
The next afternoon, I faced further alarm when he asked to reschedule for the following night due to work commitments. “That’s a shame, but yes,” I replied, but I added a quick commitment check: “Can you definitely make that?” He never answered.
Next came a date for nachos and guacamole with a guy whose app photos didn’t do him justice; he was more attractive in person. He passed the “Would we be friends?” test with flying colors, but during our second date, I felt a recoil when he attempted to hold my hand, leading me to realize that I didn’t actually fancy him.
A few days later, I flew to Paris to visit my cousin. Since she had to work, I arranged a brunch with Matthieu. We began at a cozy café and then braved a chilly walk along the Seine, having a wonderful time. I felt completely at ease in his company; he exuded a calm energy that contrasted sharply with the frantic “I must impress you” vibe many guys project on first dates. I could have chatted with him for hours.
When we met again the next afternoon, our conversation turned to deeper topics, including challenging family dynamics and past relationships, and the time flew by. We shared a kiss in the drizzling rain outside the Metro before I had to rush off for dinner plans.
Afterward, we started messaging daily, and a few weeks later, he came to visit, staying with me for three enchanting days. We clicked instantly, feeling like teenagers all weekend as we wandered around, holding hands, snogging on street corners, and relishing that exhilarating “getting to know you” bubble. He even met several of my friends, who gave him their seal of approval.
Before his return to Paris, we had a heart-to-heart and agreed to see each other for a few more weekends to explore where this could lead. Matthieu has potential plans to move to the UK due to family connections. While it’s still early days, the connection we share stands out compared to my previous matches from the spreadsheet, making me feel optimistic about our future.
Interestingly, I ended up overlooking one of my primary criteria for a suitable partner during my experiment—specifically, my preference for dating men who reside in the same city as me. Would I still recommend using a spreadsheet to track my dating experiences? Absolutely.
Instead of struggling to recall who was who and whether there was any genuine potential, I was able to swiftly eliminate guys who flaked on dates at the last minute and didn’t follow up to reschedule. Including the post-date “Would I want to be friends with them?” question was a transformative experience, as it compelled me to focus on whether I felt relaxed in their presence. I no longer agonized over cutting ties with “good on paper” guys who were clearly emotionally unavailable.
Moreover, seeing the red flags listed for all the other candidates highlighted why Matthieu is such a gem. I don’t believe I would have met him at all if I hadn’t planned my trip to Paris, as there was certainly an element of serendipity involved. In fact, I had to add him to the spreadsheet later because I initially didn’t consider our first meeting a genuine date.
Ultimately, I learned that you can’t control every aspect of this kind of experiment. Some flexibility is necessary, as you never know when a spontaneous, this-is-not-a-date encounter in the City of Love might spark an incredible connection and lead to a blossoming relationship.
*Names have been changed
