Understanding Your Compulsion: A Journey Through Social Media Connections
To begin with, I want to clarify that I have no lingering feelings for my ex. Our breakup was amicable a couple of years ago, and I am genuinely in love with my girlfriend, whom I proposed to earlier this year.
However, I find myself somewhat addicted to checking my ex’s Instagram. It isn’t rooted in sexual attraction—though she is undeniably a beautiful woman with a fantastic physique—but rather out of sheer curiosity. I’ve always found her to be an intriguing person, and that is part of what drew me to her in the first place. She leads an exciting life, engaging in cool activities, mingling with vibrant and fashionable individuals, and frequently sharing interesting articles that I wouldn’t typically come across.
Both of us have moved on; she has a new partner, and I genuinely wish her well. My only concern is that if my fiancée discovered my daily habit of checking my ex’s Instagram, she would likely be furious. I’ve done this so frequently that her profile now automatically appears in my search bar, even when I attempt to delete my search history. I truly believe there’s nothing wrong with my behavior, as I don’t harbor any romantic feelings while doing so, but I am troubled by my inability to stop. In the past, I’ve even tried blocking her to eliminate the temptation, but I never manage to last more than a week.
Why am I compelled to do this, and how can I break free from it? Is this behavior unusual?
Embracing Our Quirks
We all possess our quirks and eccentricities. Your behavior does resemble an addiction, as you’ve acknowledged. It’s commendable that you recognize your desire to stop and that you are seeking a way out. I am also heartened by your timing in addressing this daily habit of keeping tabs on your ex. Why do you feel the need to conceal this from your fiancée? Is it because you are aware, whether consciously or subconsciously, that starting a marriage with a secret means you’re not fully emotionally available to each other from the outset? Is this the kind of foundation you wish to build your relationship upon?
I am curious why you assume your fiancée would react with anger. Would you feel the same way if she were checking her attractive ex-boyfriend’s profile daily? Would you be able to appreciate the positive influence he has on her life that you might not provide? Or would you feel unsettled, as if your understanding of your partner is being shaken?
Your fiancée might not react with anger if you were to confess your habitual checking of your ex’s life; she may actually appreciate that she isn’t the sole custodian of all your emotional needs. She might even understand your inclination to follow your ex’s escapades and read the articles she shares regularly. Do you think she knows your ex-girlfriend?
You mentioned that your breakup was amicable—has she remained a part of your life outside the digital realm? Alternatively, your girlfriend may feel confused, insecure, or, as you suspect, angry. However, I wonder if this projection of her emotions stems more from your fear of confrontation than any genuine insight into her predicted reaction or concern for her feelings regarding the security of your relationship.
In our online lives, things can quickly become more secretive than in our offline interactions. We can easily spiral into rabbit holes of various addictions—pornography, OnlyFans, gambling, or even gaming relationships with individuals we’ve never met. We may engage in stalking or spying on social media while curating our lives for public consumption, all while the reality of our situations could be entirely different.
You assert that you don’t find your ex-girlfriend attractive, even though she is beautiful, and you emphasize that your interest is non-sexual. I wonder if this is where you draw the line when it comes to online secrecy. Because it’s non-sexual, you may feel it’s acceptable to keep this to yourself, whereas if it were a more sexual nature—like a porn addiction—you’d feel compelled to share it with your partner.
It’s worth questioning whether it’s acceptable to behave differently online than we would in our real lives. If you wouldn’t check in on her daily through direct contact, then doing so on social media becomes a form of sneaky behavior. I believe many individuals who engage in online trolling or harassment often act in ways they wouldn’t dare in real life.
Reflecting on Your Emotions
I challenge the notion that you have absolutely no feelings for your ex. Once love has been shared, it is nearly impossible to erase all feelings for that person, even if those feelings are muddied by hurt, betrayal, or anger. There is often a thread of love that lingers, and I want to assure you that this is entirely normal. The challenge in your situation is that you’ve inadvertently created a limbo where you remain connected to your ex, even though she is unaware of it. This daily check-in serves as a one-sided fantasy relationship, with her occupying a space in your mind and daily life.
It might feel safe engaging with her online because she cannot hurt you in the same way she could in reality. Ironically, however, it is this very behavior that detracts from your present life. It seems you’re ready to sever these ties to be more available to your fiancée and, more importantly, to yourself.
Letting go of this social media relationship may evoke feelings of grief, as you are not just relinquishing a connection but also a part of yourself that your ex helped to nurture. As I write this, I feel a tinge of sadness because this experience is one many of us face at the end of a relationship. I understand how difficult it can be to part with an aspect of ourselves that was so intertwined with someone else.
It raises the question: did you find the idea of grieving too painful when you and your ex initially separated, and are you now in a position to confront that loss?
You possess the power to change this behavior if you genuinely wish to do so. What motivates your desire to stop if you believe there’s nothing inherently wrong with it? Are you seeking permission to continue this behavior, or are you looking for someone to encourage you to stop? I pose these questions because the decision to cease this behavior must come from within you. It seems you are ready to address any lingering unfinished business so that you can fully embrace love without distractions.
It appears you’ve seen your ex as a fun, glamorous, and fascinating individual. I encourage you to explore those qualities within yourself that you allowed her to embody. Consider embarking on new adventures and experiences with your fiancée to reignite your sense of curiosity.
Strategies to Break Free
- Open Up to Your Fiancée: Share your realization that to be fully present in your relationship, your online habits must shift, which includes not keeping tabs on old friends on social media. You may want to explain that your ex feels like an old friend, but it doesn’t feel appropriate to maintain that connection while in a committed relationship.
- Thank Your Ex: Express gratitude for the good times you shared and inform her that you’re choosing to disconnect from Instagram.
- Disconnect Completely: Consider leaving social media altogether and engage with the real world more fully.
Any of these strategies can be effective. As you let go of your ex-girlfriend, you will create more space for excitement in your life and for you and your fiancée to deepen your connection.
Finally, once you have severed ties with your ex and taken the time to settle into the present, I encourage you to reflect on your relationship with your fiancée. Consider whether you have any underlying issues of abandonment, betrayal, or whether you feel you might have rushed into marriage too quickly after a breakup that you need to properly grieve now.
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Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz
