Finding My Way Through Midlife: A Personal Journey
By the time I reached my early forties, I was convinced I had everything figured out. I was living what many would call the dream—running award-winning wellness retreats on the beautiful island of Ibiza. My business was flourishing, and I believed I was happily married. Having relocated from London in 2011 with my wife of 15 years, we had both made a pact to escape the relentless grind of the corporate world. I was entrenched in media, while she thrived in private banking. With no children to anchor us, we took a leap of faith and embraced island life.
But then, just three years later, my world came crashing down. My wife expressed her unhappiness and asked for a divorce. I was blindsided; her request felt entirely unexpected, and I struggled to comprehend what was happening. I had always thought such a thing would never happen to me. In a whirlwind, she left not only our shared business but also the country, returning to the UK while I was left to navigate the complexities of running it alone. Desperate to salvage our relationship, I quickly found myself in the throes of a finalized divorce within a year—it was surprisingly amicable, yet profoundly painful.
In retrospect, I can now identify the warning signs that I had overlooked. The business had consumed us both; we were far too entwined in its operations, and I hadn’t been doing my part in nurturing our relationship. I could have done more to make her feel secure and valued in our partnership. My fixation on career success meant I often avoided confronting emotional issues. I see this pattern in many of my clients: men tend to keep their heads down when it comes to emotions, rarely voicing their discomfort, hoping that things will somehow improve on their own. In contrast, women often find it easier to express their feelings to friends and acknowledge when something feels off.
For months following our separation, the reality sank in painfully. Like many men facing midlife crises, I assumed that my forties made me undesirable. I felt blindsided, heartbroken, and overwhelmed as I tried to manage a business while grappling with the emotional fallout of my marriage. My self-esteem had taken a significant hit.
During those dark nights of the soul, I tried to project an image of having it all together, but internally, I was in chaos. When I returned to an empty flat, I turned to wine for comfort. Though it wasn’t excessive, it was more than I had ever consumed before. I also immersed myself in exercise, clinging to what I believed I could control—my physical appearance. I achieved a body fat percentage below 10% and developed a six-pack, thinking I looked the part, yet inside, I felt drained and empty.
It quickly became evident that my obsession with physicality wasn’t addressing the deeper issues at hand. I was running on adrenaline, lacking direction. Recognizing my mental state needed attention, I understood that despite my background in psychology and coaching, I required external support. I am incredibly thankful for the friends who rallied around me, but I knew that their support alone wouldn’t be sufficient for me to heal.
I began attending meditation retreats and engaged in therapy for three months, determined to redefine myself. I came to terms with the role I played in the breakdown of my marriage. The business has consumed me, leaving little room for nurturing either my relationship or my own well-being. I was living on a stunning island but had lost the ability to enjoy it. I learned that I had compromised excessively in my relationship, perhaps to an unhealthy extent.
I was perpetually focused on ensuring the other person’s happiness while neglecting both our needs. Moving forward, I made a commitment to establish healthier boundaries and communicate my desires more clearly.
I scaled back from punishing high-intensity workouts to embrace a more balanced weight training regimen, also incorporating overall movement rather than just intensity. Bit by bit, I began to feel better—improved sleep, increased energy, and a noticeable uplift in my mood. I became less stressed and more patient, both in my personal life and professionally.
Eventually, I entered a fulfilling relationship with Claire, a woman I had known from home, whose marriage had also ended around the same time as mine. We began dating long-distance, and by 2016, she made the move to Ibiza.
We are now happily married and have relocated back to the UK, where we run a podcast and coaching business called The Midlife Mentors. My journey of personal growth and healing inspired me to write a book titled The Midlife Male Handbook, where I share insights and tools to help men in their forties, fifties, and beyond thrive physically, mentally, and emotionally.
My advice to other men experiencing divorce is to take a step back. If possible, delegate responsibilities at work or allow someone else to take over for a while. When you’re feeling low, the inner voice can be quite discouraging. Simply becoming aware of that voice can be incredibly empowering, along with recognizing that its assertions may not be true. Self-compassion is essential. It’s easy to evade feelings by resorting to unhelpful coping mechanisms, which can manifest in various ways—whether it’s splurging on lavish holidays or new clothes, or relying on alcohol as an escape. In today’s society, we often obsess over external fixes—more money, more possessions, better physiques—while neglecting the internal work necessary to shift our mindset and beliefs, which is what ultimately fosters true happiness and fulfillment.
Three years after feeling as though I was on the scrap heap, I managed to turn my life around. Now, at 52, I’ve never felt more optimistic, empowered, and alive. That said, I still face challenges. However, I have developed the tools, habits, and mindset to navigate them effectively.
Eight Tips for Men in Midlife by James Davis
- Make gradual sustainable changes. Avoid extreme diets or intense workout regimes. Introduce new habits step by step—whether that means swapping sugary drinks for water or trying two healthy recipes a week. Small changes are more manageable and less daunting.
- Choose balanced nutrition over fads. Focus on whole, nutritious foods. Aim for lean proteins, complex carbohydrates, and plenty of vegetables. Moderation is key; allow yourself occasional treats without guilt.
- Find exercise you enjoy. Forcing yourself into workouts you dread is a surefire way to burnout. Whether it’s yoga, swimming, or hiking, movement should feel empowering, not punishing.
- Prioritise sleep. Insufficient sleep and heightened stress levels can affect everything from your mood to your waistline. Establish a consistent sleep schedule and make time to unwind; a calm mind supports a healthy body.
- Consider your values. Reflect on who you want to be and what you aspire to for your future, using this clarity to guide your actions.
- Find a community. It’s easy to drift when no one holds you accountable. Men often struggle to maintain strong social networks, so seek out a community—be it through a workout buddy, support group, or online platform. Remember, real-life connections are always more beneficial than virtual ones.
- Let go of the ego. Don’t allow pride to keep you stagnant. It’s acceptable to change course and embrace being a beginner again. Accept the journey of transformation without shame.
- Prioritise yourself. Dedicate time to invest in your well-being, acknowledging that many changes are free or low-cost. You may stumble along the way—that’s part of growth. What truly matters is how quickly you get back on track.
The Midlife Male Handbook: A Man’s Guide To Thriving Through Andropause is published by Synergy on 12th March (RRP £17.99)
