Reflections on Competitive Friendships
“He was looking at me too.” I mentioned to my friend that a man in a bar was checking me out, and the moment the words left my mouth, I regretted it. At 28 years old, nights out had become a rare treat, and I was hoping to steer clear of the unspoken rivalry that had always lurked beneath the surface of our friendship. But after making that offhand comment, I found myself questioning the very foundation of our relationship.
There had once been a close-knit group of four of us, bound by years of shared experiences and memories. Yet, over the years, this connection had morphed into a competition that encompassed not just romantic interests, but also careers, attention, body image, fashion choices, wealth, and virtually everything else. I worried that this relentless competition would persist into our 40s, leading to a lifetime of backhanded comments and passive-aggressive remarks.
These memories resurfaced as I watched long-time friends Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie navigate their reunion in the latest season of The White Lotus. Set against the stunning backdrop of Thailand’s Koh Samui, it became painfully clear that their gathering was marred by tension. Online discussions suggest that I’m not alone in my discomfort; many viewers have found their toxic friendship dynamics to be quite distressing. As middle-aged friends, it’s evident that Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie have been entangled in rivalry for years. They dissect every aspect of each other’s lives, and despite their feigned concern, nothing is off-limits for scrutiny—relationships, careers, physical appearance, fitness metrics, and even their children.
Ryan Bennett-Clarke, a psychotherapist at the UK Council for Psychotherapy, noted that while this competitiveness can manifest across various social classes, it may be particularly pronounced among those with financial means. “This may be more noticeable in so-called middle-class relationships because of the greater means to acquire that which can appear enviable, such as status, wealth, fitness, beauty, power, confidence, and happiness,” he explained.
In my early twenties, I remember an incident where I casually mentioned being “active” lately. One of my friends, a fitness enthusiast, quickly latched onto my comment, interrogating me about my recent exercise regimen. It felt as though she feared I might be outdoing her. Only after she was satisfied that my activity level didn’t surpass hers did she back off.
While my friendship group didn’t endure into my thirties—I’m now 38—I often ponder the conversations that might have unfolded, especially after I became a mother. I was relieved I didn’t have to navigate questions from them regarding my son’s birth or breastfeeding, knowing that motherhood would have opened up yet another arena for competition. It was such a vulnerable period in my life that I doubted I could have handled that added pressure.
Our competitive dynamic seemed to originate in school, which aligns with research findings. A Danish study revealed a marked gender difference in competitiveness beginning in educational settings. It found that girls were more likely to engage in competitive activities if surrounded by competitive friends, significantly more so than boys. Furthermore, a study published in the Journal of Psychology and Aging indicated that competitiveness often worsens with age, peaking around the age of 50 due in part to heightened confidence and motivation, only to gradually decline as hormone levels change in older age.
Jennifer, a former member of a competitive friendship group, is certain that if she had maintained those relationships, the rivalry would have extended into the realm of parenting. The competitive spirit often masquerades as concern or light-hearted gossip, but such dynamics can deeply affect our mental health, even leading to anxiety and depression. I found it particularly triggering when Laurie casually mentioned her body fat percentage, which was “below 25 percent.” Jaclyn’s incredulous reaction, given that her own percentage was similar yet perceived as leaner, transported me back to moments when I would count how many fingers fit between my jeans and stomach to ensure I was “thin enough” for my friends. Our group’s dynamic made me hesitant to discuss any personal issues, knowing they would likely be scrutinized, criticized, or dismissed.
This urge to compete can often be traced back to childhood. Bennett-Clarke explains, “If we are not sufficiently affirmed as children, and if we do not receive consistent love and nurturing, we can be left feeling empty and hungry for love and for what we perceive others to have.” These feelings may be exacerbated by social media and a “parasitic” desire to acquire what others possess.
Kristin, 45, from York, has confronted these issues in two different friendship circles, both of which felt more like silent battlegrounds than supportive environments. She reflected that her relationships became “transactional,” characterized by a focus on winning rather than sharing or empathizing with each other’s experiences. Although these were friends from her school days, the toxic dynamic emerged only later. She still struggles to understand the reasons behind this shift.
In an attempt to navigate the situation, Kristin tried downplaying her achievements to blend in, but that strategy failed. Ultimately, she chose to prioritize friendships that felt respectful rather than performative. “The relief of stepping away from that exhausting cycle made me realize that true friendships thrive on celebration, not comparison,” she said.
Esther Cole, a consultant clinical psychologist at Lifespan Psychology, explains that “tall poppy syndrome” can arise when friends in your circle feel threatened by your success, leading to social rejection or isolation. Competitive individuals often shy away from vulnerable conversations, creating a one-sided dynamic. Such friends may collect information to maintain an advantage or even sabotage your efforts to find happiness or success.
As I approach 40, I find myself contemplating what might have happened had I confronted my friends about these dynamics or if there was a way to salvage our relationship. Olivia*, 42, from London, recalls growing up in a middle-class family while her friends were more affluent, which she felt contributed to her struggles. “The scheming depicted in The White Lotus mirrors my experiences with female friendships; it has shaped my worldview,” she shared.
Despite the bleakness, Olivia has learned to navigate these relationships over time. “They’re not bad people, and I’m confident enough to call them out. It helps that I’m ‘poorer’ than them, so I can’t compete anyway,” she explained. While she has distanced herself from a few of the more toxic friends, she has maintained connections with many from her sixth form and university days. “I genuinely don’t want to compete anymore as I did in my twenties,” she remarked. Now, Olivia chooses to attend gatherings where she can focus on enjoying herself, often opting for quieter weekends with less competitive friends.
Transforming a friendship dynamic requires significant effort, as it involves competitive individuals recognizing and analyzing their unconscious behaviors, Bennett-Clarke notes. Therapy can help both competitive individuals and those affected by their actions, but establishing healthy boundaries is crucial. “If you leave your friendship group feeling diminished, inadequate, and uncelebrated, you might be dealing with the ‘smiling assassin’—someone who conceals their disdain behind excessive praise and superficial adoration,” he concluded.
Looking back on my former friendship group, it’s challenging to grasp what any of us lacked. While none of us were wealthy, we had supportive families, shared interests, education, goals, and, importantly, each other. This highlights the insidious nature of competitiveness; it not only undermines individual happiness but also tarnishes valuable time spent with loved ones. Cole recommends that to avoid falling into competitive traps, we should focus on our own achievements and personal growth rather than comparing ourselves to others. “Ultimately, for true happiness, the only person we should commit to competing with is ourselves, while drawing inspiration from others,” she concluded.
*Names have been changed.
