Regrets are a universal aspect of the human experience, reminiscent of the famous Sinatra song that suggests we all have had our share. Unfortunately, the burden of wishing we had made different choices can be overwhelming for many, leading to feelings of shame, anxiety, and fear. Some individuals become preoccupied with the idea of avoiding regret altogether. But how beneficial is it to dwell on our decisions? Is a life completely free of regret even attainable? If so, how can we strive for that?
Adrienne Adhami, a wellbeing coach and author of How to Make Decisions in A World of Endless Choice, provides insights into tools that can help us come to terms with our decisions, regardless of their outcomes. “In today’s world, we are inundated with choices, which initially seems advantageous,” she explains. “However, it creates a paradox: the greater the number of options, the more variables we must contemplate, often leading to overthinking and the nagging thought, ‘What if I choose this and something better comes along tomorrow?’”
Adhami encourages individuals to accept that uncertainty is an inherent part of decision-making. “When faced with change or action, embracing the unknown can be liberating. If you wait for absolute certainty or the perfect moment to make a decision, you risk stagnation.”
The Four Most Common Regrets
In his book The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, Daniel Pink conducted a global survey involving over 26,000 responses to identify prevalent regrets. He categorized these regrets into four main types:
- Foundation Regrets: These result from perceived failures in establishing sensible plans and creating stability in life.
- Boldness Regrets: This feeling arises when individuals play it too safe, leading to a lingering question of what might have been.
- Moral Regrets: These involve perceived lapses in judgment that conflict with personal ethics.
- Connection Regrets: These occur when relationships fade or deteriorate due to neglect.
Understanding the foundation of our regrets can assist us in coming to terms with our past choices and help prevent similar mistakes in the future. Pink suggests that one of the most effective ways to address regrets is through sharing them with others.
The Transformative Power of Reframing
Neuropsychologist Chris Frith, based at UCL, posits that regret is an unavoidable facet of life. He advocates for a shift in perspective, encouraging us to view regret as a beneficial tool rather than a negative emotion. “To live without regret or disappointment, the world would need to be entirely predictable and stable,” he asserts. “Given the current state of affairs, which is anything but stable, we must embrace the learning that comes from our mistakes.”
Adhami echoes this sentiment, suggesting that reframing regrets as signposts for future decisions can be empowering. “When I reflect on my own regrets, I view them as opportunities for growth, guiding me to make different choices if similar situations arise in the future.” In essence, instead of chastising ourselves for past errors, we can commit to learning from them and moving forward.
Overcoming Fear and Making Active Choices
Some decisions provoke stronger feelings of regret than others, often due to the nature of the choice itself. Frith explains that we tend to feel more regret over deliberate choices than those made by chance. “For example, if you consistently cycle around a park pond to the left but one day decide to go right and crash into a fallen tree, you’re likely to feel more regret because you consciously made that choice,” he illustrates. “Conversely, if you crashed while going left, the regret would be less pronounced.”
Fear of regret can lead to paralysis by analysis, creating a vicious cycle of indecision. Adhami notes that her clients often grapple with this challenge. “Regrets stemming from inaction often weigh heavier than those from past mistakes. For instance, launching a business that ultimately fails can yield valuable lessons, whereas inaction leaves you with unanswered questions that can be more tormenting.”
While fear can deter us from making decisions that we might later regret, it can also serve as a useful guide. “Our brains are wired for safety, and uncertainty often feels threatening. However, accepting that uncertainty is a constant in life can help alleviate some of that fear. If you wait for perfect conditions or absolute certainty to act, you may hinder your progress.”
Resisting Peer Pressure
Frith asserts that social influence plays a significant role in how we perceive our decisions. “Regret tends to be more intense when we violate social norms or group expectations,” he notes. In What Makes Us Social?, a book he co-authored with Uta Frith, he further explores this concept. “For instance, we expect guests at a birthday party to bring gifts and feel perplexed when they don’t. Similarly, showing up inappropriately dressed for an event can elicit surprise and regret.”
Adhami acknowledges the impact of societal pressures on decision-making. “In our modern lives, we are constantly exposed to others’ choices and lifestyles, which can undermine our confidence in trusting our own judgment.” She suggests that establishing clear boundaries can help combat this pressure. “Communicate your limits—whether it’s abstaining from alcohol at work events or on weekdays—so that others respect your choices. When faced with peer pressure, you can assert your boundaries rather than relying on willpower in the moment.”
Ultimately, the key to reconciling with regret lies in welcoming, rather than fearing, this emotion. Frith concludes, “People often shun regret because it’s uncomfortable, but I believe we should embrace it. Regret signifies our capacity to act and, importantly, to improve in the future.”
