My Unexpected Encounter with the Push-Up Nipple Bra
If I were granted the chance to alter one thing about my physical appearance, I doubt I would choose my nipples as a priority. In fact, even if I could change a hundred things, I suspect that my earlobes and elbow skin would take precedence over the prominence of my nipples. Therefore, you can imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon an advertisement for a “push-up nipple bra” while mindlessly scrolling through social media one evening.
Initially, I assumed this bra was designed for breast cancer survivors or perhaps for individuals who had experienced unfortunate accidents involving hedge trimmers. However, I soon discovered that was not the case. While I’m certain that some people do require faux nipples for medical reasons, this particular bra is part of Kim Kardashian’s Skims collection, marketed as “the ultimate bra,” complete with “built-in raised nipple detail for a perky, braless look that makes a bold statement.” If you’ve seen this bra, you’d agree that “bold statement” doesn’t even begin to cover it. The “built-in nipple detail” could genuinely cause someone to lose an eye!
At first, I was utterly baffled as to why anyone would desire a bra with extra nipples; then it hit me! Jennifer Aniston’s famously perky nips during her time on Friends were a sensation. In nearly every scene, her nipples were visible through her clothing, and my male classmates were absolutely enamored! Furthermore, there was the frenzy surrounding Charlie Dimmock’s carefree nipples on Ground Force, which sent British tabloids into a tailspin. Perhaps Kim was onto something? Maybe, in today’s world, nipples are indeed the new frontier?
Determined to delve deeper into this phenomenon, I decided to purchase one and put it to the test. Priced at a staggering £68, these nips don’t come cheap. For that amount, I could hire someone to literally hold my breasts up for me, but I digress. I usually avoid wearing bras, as I dislike them immensely. If I wear anything, it’s typically a sporty crop top. Thus, my first step was to get measured. The last time I had this done was at M&S a decade ago, where I was a 36B. The lovely lady at Bravissimo informed me this time that I am, in fact, a 36E. How on earth did that happen? I spent my teenage years longing for a visit from the “boob fairy,” only for her to finally show up in my forties. I suppose she has a lengthy waiting list!
With my bra size confirmed, I placed the order. Three days later, my new bra arrived.
‘I picked a white T-shirt for maximum nipple impact and went to meet my friend Verity for lunch.’
The first thing you need to know about the Skims push-up nipple bra is that it’s absolutely hilarious. Although it’s not intended to be, I haven’t laughed this hard with my friends in ages. This alone might justify the exorbitant price. It’s the most absurd item of clothing I’ve ever owned, and I lived through the era of shell suits. It’s ridiculously ludicrous.
The second thing to note is that it’s enormous. The Skims website describes the bra as “cushioned,” but I would argue it’s more like “cladded.” The padding is so robust that it could withstand a nuclear event. This thick clunkiness allows it to stand on its own. While the purpose of a push-up bra is to enhance your bust, this one also needs to be padded enough to conceal your own nipples peeking through. Otherwise, you might inadvertently present yourself to the world with four nipples, like a dairy cow. I opted for a fleshy tone that closely resembles my own skin, creating an appearance akin to something that Ed Gein or Buffalo Bill might don.
As I strapped it on, it felt as if I were placing one set of breasts over another—like a “tit toupee.” After hoisting it into position, wedging my own breasts in, and adjusting the alignment between the two sets of nipples, I examined myself in the mirror and burst into laughter, nearly passing out.
‘It is hard to convey just how self-conscious I felt with my upgraded nipples on display. This was compounded by Verity’s uncontrollable laughter.’
If a teenage boy were asked to draw breasts, this is precisely what he would produce: two excessively stuffed, perfectly spherical globes with peg-like nipples pointing toward the heavens. It was giving off strong porn star vibes, which is acceptable if you’re filming adult content, but feels utterly bizarre while waiting in line for a sausage roll at Greggs. After regaining my composure, I decided to take this bra for a proper test drive.
I chose a white T-shirt to maximize the impact of my new nipples and met Verity for lunch. It’s challenging to express just how self-conscious I felt with my exaggerated nipples on display, particularly with Verity’s laughter echoing in my ears. Neither of us could maintain a serious demeanor. How could we? My new nipples seemed to arrive for lunch before I did!
In all honesty, I was far more concerned about being stared at than I actually was. The good folks of York seemed largely uninterested in my Kardashian-inspired assets—why would they be? Nevertheless, I did catch more than a few glances as I strutted down the high street. A few weeks prior, I had written about how women often disappear from the male gaze as they age. It turns out that donning a nipple bra catapults you right back into it, though it’s not a particularly comfortable position to be in. Having the waiter gaze at my chest while taking my order confirms that the bra does its job, but it feels rather dehumanizing. Being seen is one thing, but being ogled is intimidating and unwelcome.
‘The bra’s primary selling point seems to be its ability to accentuate the sexualization of women’s bodies.’
Women’s nipples are excessively sexualized, and that’s the essence of this bra, isn’t it? To create a “sexy” appearance? It wasn’t designed to give the impression of lactation, was it? This is precisely why I felt so self-conscious wearing it. I’m certain my nipples have been visible through my clothing at various points in my life, but I was oblivious to it. Knowing that my fake nipples were conspicuously on display and absurdly perky stirred a sense of embarrassment within me—and I dislike that feeling. Why should anyone feel embarrassed about their nipples, let alone foam replicas? Yet this bra explicitly capitalizes on our collective sexualization of women’s bodies, leveraging the shock value of a slightly erect nipple.
‘There’s a glaring double standard at play here.’
The “Free the Nipple” campaign, which began in 2012, highlights the gender inequality that exists when men can expose their nipples in public, while women risk legal repercussions for doing the same. I doubt anyone would bat an eye if Alan Titchmarsh’s nipples were visible on Ground Force! I couldn’t even tell you if any of the men on Friends had visible nipples, but Jennifer Aniston’s certainly left a lasting impression!
As a middle-aged woman from the North who prefers baggy sweaters, I may not be the target audience for the nipple bra. Yet, I’m only a year younger than Kim Kardashian, and this whole concept was her brainchild.
Unless you’re missing your nipples, I truly fail to see the point of this bra. It’s uncomfortable, and the stiffness makes it impossible to achieve a “natural” look. Are we really supposed to add “protruding nipples” to the already extensive list of insecurities women face? If I need to perk up my own, I can simply stand in front of an open fridge for a few minutes or shove some frozen peas down there!
Ultimately, the only redeeming quality of this nipple bra is its unparalleled humor. While it’s expensive, if you can afford it, I wholeheartedly recommend it for hen parties or birthday celebrations. You’ll quite literally laugh your tits off!
