Secondary School Placement Anxiety: A Parent’s Perspective
On Monday, March 3rd, parents of children set to begin secondary school in England and Wales this September will receive letters detailing their child’s school placements for the next five years. While many families will be filled with joy and relief, others may face disappointment. Last year, Madeline Miller experienced this heartache when her son Ethan, now 12, was assigned to his third-choice school. “He was absolutely devastated,” Madeline recalls in a conversation with The i Paper. “He sobbed, repeatedly asking why this happened to him. I found myself reading the letter multiple times, searching for an error. It made my heart sink. I knew the school was oversubscribed, but children in our vicinity had received offers, so I believed we had a reasonable chance.”
In 2024, 82.9% of students were offered a place at their first-choice secondary school, marking a slight increase of 0.3% from the previous year. Unfortunately, Ethan was the only member of his close-knit group of friends who did not secure a spot at their shared top choice—Parrs Wood in Manchester. Having spent years together, frequently gathering at the park during weekends and school holidays, and sharing lunch breaks, Ethan felt a profound sense of loss.
“The emotional impact hit him hard when he went shopping for his new school uniform while his friends were busy creating group chats for Parrs Wood and planning their first day together,” says Madeline, a 42-year-old writer. As his friends shared pictures in their matching uniforms, Ethan felt the sting of starting anew with a different blazer, intensifying his feelings of isolation.
Insights from Educators
Chris McNab, the headteacher at Overton Grange School in Sutton, acknowledges that it’s completely normal to feel frustrated and disappointed when a first-choice school is not available. He suggests that families visit the school for a tour or conduct research through its website. “Familiarizing yourself with the school and key staff members can significantly ease anxiety,” he advises.
Alicia Meynell, a client manager at Think Tutors, an educational advisory firm, emphasizes the importance of reassuring the child that their school placement does not define their capabilities or future success. “It’s crucial to acknowledge their feelings, celebrate their efforts, and help them focus on the positives. Encourage them to view this outcome as a redirection rather than a failure, highlighting that happiness is shaped more by mindset and opportunities than by a school’s name,” she explains.
The Millers lived just outside the catchment area for Parrs Wood, which was oversubscribed, similar to 95% of schools rated “outstanding” by Ofsted, leading to Ethan not being allocated a place. “Our location outside the catchment area was ultimately decisive. Even though our friends lived just a short walk away, we were unable to secure a spot due to stringent catchment rules,” Madeline shares.
Instead, Ethan was assigned to Burnage Academy for Boys, which required him to take a 20-minute bus journey—an intimidating prospect for a boy who had never traveled alone on public transport. On his first day, he needed considerable reassurance from his mother, expressing his hope that he would make new friends. “I just hope someone talks to me at break,” he confided before embarking on his first solo adventure on public transport. They had practiced the route together several times prior, but the anxiety loomed large.
“It broke my heart,” Madeline reflects. “I was anxious all day, constantly checking my phone, half-expecting a message from him saying he hated it. I tried to distract myself, but I couldn’t help worrying about how he was doing.”
Ethan’s initial weeks were challenging. Eventually, he confided in his mother, expressing that he felt “uncomfortable” during lunchtime due to not knowing any of his new classmates. “He transitioned from having many friends to sitting with boys he barely knew,” Madeline explains, noting that while Ethan had yet to learn the names of his new peers, they began to bond over football teams. However, he found the all-boys environment strange. “The loneliness he felt made me anxious constantly.”
McNab reassures parents that the transition from primary to secondary school can be daunting for all students, but he has witnessed how quickly new students adapt and immerse themselves in the school’s culture. “Young people are remarkably resilient,” he remarks. “It’s essential to remember that many students will find themselves in similar situations. A fresh start often serves as a springboard for personal growth and flourishing.”
Meynell, who guides students and teachers through this transition, adds, “Children may encounter challenges as they adjust to new routines, expectations, and peer groups. Some will integrate seamlessly, while others may struggle with feelings of being out of place. Both reactions are entirely normal. With consistent emotional and academic support, children are likely to build confidence and develop strong social connections. Encouraging them to remain open, proactive, and patient can significantly aid their adjustment. As they gain confidence, children start forming friendships and feeling comfortable in their new environment.”
Six months later, Ethan’s experience has transformed significantly. He has joined the football team and “built his own life at Burnage.” Madeline believes her son has grown more independent, and the anxiety that once defined their transition has dissipated for both of them.
Though Madeline considered appealing the school placement decision, she ultimately chose to focus on preparing Ethan for his new school environment. “The process required time, but he built confidence and started to enjoy aspects of his school life that he initially didn’t expect,” she says.
What to Do If Your Child Doesn’t Get Into Their Preferred Secondary School
- Stay calm: Especially in front of your child, who may also be feeling disappointed. Reassure them, take a deep breath, and avoid negativity about the school they may end up attending.
- Join the waiting list: Enroll your child on the waiting list for their preferred school. Schools are required to maintain a waiting list for at least the first term of the academic year. You can still add your child to a waiting list even if you accept an offer from another school, and if a place becomes available at your preferred school, you can accept it, regardless of whether your child has already started elsewhere.
- Research the assigned school: Even if you’re convinced that the school is not the right environment for your child, it’s beneficial to gather updated information about the school or speak to parents of current students.
- Know who to contact: Determine whether the waiting list for your preferred school is managed by the school itself or the local council. The offer letter should provide this information; if not, the local council’s website will help. After identifying the appropriate contact, either send an email or call them (be prepared for busy lines on Offers Day) to request your child’s addition to the waiting list.
- Appeal the decision: If your child is denied a place at their chosen school, you can appeal against the decision through the admissions authority. You can still lodge an appeal even if you accept a place at another school.
- Stay on top of timings: The admission authority must grant you at least 20 school days to appeal from the date they send the decision letter. They will also set a deadline for submitting supporting information and evidence for your appeal. Late submissions might not be considered, potentially causing delays in your hearing. Child Law Advice can provide guidance on appeals. The admission authority must notify you of the hearing at least 10 school days in advance, and appeals must be heard within 40 school days of the appeal deadline.
