Navigating the Digital Landscape: A Parent’s Perspective
Recently, I found myself in a situation where I had to inform another parent about a troubling message I came across on my daughter’s phone. It was part of a group chat and, unfortunately, it was far from kind; in fact, it was a clear instance of bullying. The other parent was immensely grateful for the heads-up, as she had no idea what was happening, largely because she, unlike me, didn’t regularly check her child’s phone. My daughter is currently in Year 7, and yes, I do go through her messages.
Some may label my actions as an invasion of privacy or a sign of distrust towards my child, even calling me a “helicopter parent.” However, I view my decision to peruse my daughter’s phone as a form of responsible parenting. It’s a proactive measure to help guide her through the complex and often perilous landscape of growing up in the digital age.
We live in an era where children’s social interactions extend far beyond the schoolyard. Bullying can follow them home, and inappropriate content is just a click away. The notion that an 11-year-old, whose brain is still developing, should navigate this digital world without parental guidance seems, to me, rather naïve. This is precisely why I keep an eye on my daughter’s phone usage. It’s not about mistrust; it’s about recognizing that a smartphone can sometimes be a hazardous environment. Grooming, cyberbullying, peer pressure, and exposure to inappropriate material are genuine threats, and at her tender age, she may not always possess the awareness to recognize when something is amiss. It would be irresponsible of me to assume she does.
Today’s children are growing up in a drastically different world compared to previous generations, who did not face the constant connectivity and availability that comes with modern technology. After much contemplation regarding whether to allow our daughter to have a smartphone, we ultimately decided to grant her one at the end of Year 6, but with very strict terms and conditions attached.
- Ownership: This is not her phone. It has been provided to her on a “loan” basis, and if she fails to adhere to the established conditions, it will be taken away.
- Demonstrating Responsibility: Once she shows that she can handle the responsibilities of navigating the online world, we will be happy to transition her to having her own device.
- Age Consideration: This will likely occur when she turns 16 and has demonstrated sufficient maturity.
Additionally, my husband and I have set up parental controls on her device that we can manage through our own phones. We’ve implemented a daily usage limit of two hours and have established a cutoff time of 7 PM for phone use. We also prevent her from downloading apps without our permission and restrict access to certain content, including blocking specific websites. Regular spot checks, including reviewing her scrolling history and chat messages, are conducted every few days.
The reality of a Year 7 group chat is that it often brims with drama, peer pressure, and harmful content, all hidden beneath an avalanche of GIFs, pet pictures, and chain messages insisting that “your mum will die if you don’t share this.” So far, I have witnessed instances of bullying, children seeking validation through their “fits” (outfits, for those unaware), and even 11-year-old boys sending inappropriate images of women as avatars or through AI-generated content. Many parents might find this shocking, but in a world where kids as young as nine are encountering online pornography, it’s hardly surprising.
There have been occasions when my daughter has been added to group chats that include complete strangers, some of whom are older teenage boys and even adult men. Ignorance isn’t bliss in these scenarios; by staying informed, I am equipping my daughter with the tools she needs to make sound decisions and to approach me if she feels overwhelmed.
My approach is not to condemn or overreact to what I discover, but rather to offer my insights and provide context for her experiences. Do I relish having discussions about sensitive topics like deepfake pornography, bullying, consent, and violations with my 11-year-old? Absolutely not; I doubt any parent would. However, these conversations have become an essential part of modern parenting.
Choosing not to give her a smartphone might simplify our lives, but it would be unjust to her, especially when all her friends possess one. The harsh reality is that she would likely find herself excluded from vital social connections. As she matures, I plan to loosen the reins, but for now, I am firmly holding on, whether she appreciates it or not.
Kirsty Ketley is a parenting consultant and freelance writer
