The Ongoing Debate: To Say “No” or Not to Say “No”
The parental battleground seems to have been firmly established, with parents donning their armor of eye rolls and subtly judgmental comments. The focal point of this debate? The word “no”—specifically, whether it should be a part of our vocabulary when communicating with children.
Reflecting on my own upbringing, I recall hearing the phrase “we’ll see” all too frequently whenever I made a request as a child. It often left me feeling somewhat cheated when I realized this was merely a tactic my parents employed to delay my inevitable disappointment. Therefore, I have no hesitation in asserting a firm “no” to my own children when necessary.
When I do say no, I strive to provide context. For instance, when it comes to something like furniture gymnastics, I explain, “We don’t want another trip to A&E.” I prefer this approach over a simple, authoritarian “Because I said so.” However, I can’t help but wonder if the balance of “no” has tipped too far in my household and if I should embrace the word “yes” more often.
This curiosity extends to the growing number of parents who actively try to eliminate the word “no” from their interactions. Kelly Medina Enos, a mother of two and gentle parenting coach, recounts how her approach shifted when her son, George, was just one and a half years old and frequently hitting her. Initially, her parenting style revolved around saying “no,” but she soon found this counterproductive. “I began adopting positive language, focusing on what I wanted him to do rather than what I didn’t,” she explains. “Young children often fail to register words like ‘no,’ ‘stop,’ and ‘don’t.’ For example, if you say, ‘don’t touch the wet paint,’ they tend to ignore the ‘don’t’ and end up touching it anyway.”
Although she maintains boundaries and doesn’t adopt a permissive parenting style, she employs positive language to guide her children’s behavior. “If my children are climbing, I might say, ‘Feet on the floor, please.’ It’s remarkably effective. If they ignore me, I’ll offer a choice: ‘Either Mummy can help you down, or you can get yourself down.’ Giving options empowers them, but if they still choose to ignore me, I’ll say, ‘Alright, Mummy is going to choose,’ and I gently place them on the floor.” She believes that while “no” isn’t inherently bad, it is often ineffective.
A Shift in Parenting Philosophy
During a shared holiday lodge experience with friends a few years back, I noticed the word “no” was conspicuously absent from their vocabulary. When I inquired whether one of them, whose daughter is now seven, still avoids saying it, she responded, “I rarely say no; we tend to compromise and discuss things. My daughter is very communicative. When I feel overwhelmed by the noise, I’ll say, ‘I need you to stop’ instead of saying no. However, I do enforce it when it comes to safety, school-night rules, or when she requests impractical items.”
Other parents, however, argue for the necessity of the word “no.” Sleep consultant Daisy Fearns, founder of The Parenting Experts Academy, insists that using “no” is one of the most crucial aspects of parenting. “It’s not about being harsh or unkind; it’s about establishing healthy boundaries and preparing children for the realities of life,” she asserts. “When children understand that no means no, they learn about limits and respect.”
Fearns emphasizes that in situations like a child running toward a busy road, it is vital they respond immediately to “no.” If they perceive “no” as negotiable, they may hesitate or, even worse, ignore it entirely. “By being consistent and following through when we say no, we teach them that words have meaning, and certain rules are non-negotiable,” she adds.
Kate Pattison, a former teacher and founder of Learn Happy tutoring, notes that children who are frequently told “yes” often struggle with boundaries. “In my experience, these children tend to lack emotional resilience, have difficulty regulating their emotions and impulses, and struggle in social situations because they expect to always have things their way,” she explains.
Pattison believes that when saying “no,” it’s crucial for children to still feel respected and understood. “I always explain the reasoning behind my decisions, which fosters open communication and mutual respect. When done lovingly, saying no can actually strengthen a child’s self-esteem, teaching them to handle life’s challenges while understanding that love and limits can coexist,” she states.
One friend, who previously identified as a “yes mum,” has consciously started using “no” because she was concerned her kind-hearted nine-year-old son was becoming “entitled.” She explains, “When he was six, my philosophy was ‘why say no if I can say yes?’ It led to more child-led play and creative activities. But as he got older, I found he struggled to cope with my occasional ‘no.’ It’s as if he wasn’t accustomed to hearing it. I often find myself backing down, but I need him to learn to accept ‘no.’ We’re actively working on this.”
Interestingly, all the parents I’ve spoken with, regardless of whether they favor saying “yes” or “no,” emphasize the importance of explaining the boundaries they set. I sought empirical insights into this “no” debate, so I consulted clinical psychologist Dr. Martha Deiros Collado, author of How to be the Grown Up, which was recently published in paperback.
“On average, children hear the word ‘no’ around 50 times a day during their early years. If it’s overused, it can become background noise, and they stop registering it,” she explains. “However, parents shouldn’t shy away from using ‘no’—it’s essential.”
In her interactions with her toddler, Dr. Deiros Collado differentiates between “emergency” no moments—like when her daughter reaches for the oven—and less urgent situations. “If she’s running toward the sofa with a pen, I might redirect her by saying, ‘Pens are for paper.’ I’m mindful about my language, aiming to instruct her on what to do instead. I reserve ‘no’ for emergencies, safety, and personal boundaries. It’s vital to convey that saying no doesn’t equate to breaking love.”
Additionally, she emphasizes the importance of respecting a child’s “no,” particularly in situations like tickling. Dr. Deiros Collado encourages parents to “find their yes.” “Research suggests that the brain becomes more receptive when we hear ‘yes,’ and this applies to adults as well,” she explains. “For instance, if you suggest a vacation and your partner immediately responds with ‘no, we can’t afford it,’ it shuts down the dialogue. For children, this can lead to emotional outbursts. If you acknowledge their feelings and engage in a discussion about their desires, they will feel validated. You can still set limits—like explaining that you can’t afford a specific toy—but by recognizing its significance to them, they may be more open to accepting a ‘no.’”
Inspired by Dr. Deiros Collado’s approach, I’ve made it a point to say “yes” more often, reserving “no” for safety and urgent matters. For instance, when my son Xavi is reluctant to stop playing to get ready for school—something quite relatable after a holiday break—I empathize with him, saying, “Yes, we can play again once you’re dressed.” This tactic has proven effective and brings me a sense of calm. Similarly, when my youngest daughter Juno, who is two, insists on watching The Snowman at bedtime, instead of responding with a flat “no,” I say, “Yes, we’ll watch it tomorrow. It’s bedtime now.” Remarkably, she promptly accompanies me upstairs. There truly seems to be power in embracing “yes.”
